Shards of a Crystal

CLEAR

2006-07-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

*ZZZZZZZZZZTTTT*

My blogger lives!!!!

I shall have to start posting on this again.

My Personality

2006-02-01T21:18:00.000-08:00

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion

46%
Stability

80%
Orderliness

43%
Accommodation

90%
Interdependence

36%
Intellectual

76%
Mystical

63%
Artistic

30%
Religious

10%
Hedonism

23%
Materialism

23%
Narcissism

70%
Adventurousness

63%
Work ethic

56%
Self absorbed

36%
Conflict seeking

63%
Need to dominate

50%
Romantic

63%
Avoidant

30%
Anti-authority

30%
Wealth

43%
Dependency

30%
Change averse

50%
Cautiousness

63%
Individuality

43%
Sexuality

50%
Peter pan complex

56%
Physical security

83%
Physical fitness

90%
Histrionic

30%
Paranoia

56%
Vanity

30%
Hypersensitivity

43%
Female cliche

23%

trait snapshot:
rarely irritated, positive, tough, non phobic, fearless, likes the unknown, self reliant, high self control, confident, trusting, strong instincts, prudent, optimistic, willful, likes parties, prefers a specialized career, takes charge, altruistic, strong, high self concept, adventurous, practical, thoughtful

http://similarminds.com/types/extraversion.html <--- That is where you click to find out what the things mean.

http://similarminds.com/global-adv.html <--- That is what you click to take the test.

Top 10 Reasons I Don't Worship Satan

2006-01-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

10. Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9. Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8. Hard to keep the flaming goat skulls lit.
7. Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6. Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5. Wailing of the damned souls in Hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4. The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3. Repeated stooping motions for administering the "Kiss of Shame" difficult on my back.
2. Demons smell even worse than brimstone.
1. It's impossible to worship something that doesn't exist.

Ahh yes. Athiesm

People still write on these.

2006-01-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't know that.

42 hours...

2005-12-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

I have been up for 42 hours and counting. I do have a change of clothes in my car. I have not been home. Nor have I slept. I also have not bathed. I kinda smell.

I am able to live out of my car. I always have a change of clothes and a toothbrush and toothpaste and a stick of deoderant. Most of the time I also have DDR pads.

I stay in the computer lab in northside until 11 when it cloese. Then I waslk to Greenlawn in which the lab stays open during finals until 8 am.

Isn't finals a blast in college.

Revised Comandments

2005-11-22T13:50:00.000-08:00

I look at the 10 Commandments and I see a list of things that need to be edited. Some of it just needs to be gotten rid of while others need to be revised. I think the list was inflated on purpose because the 10 Commandments sounds more official than any other number. This is done out of order.

I am the Lord thy God, thou shall not have strange gods before me.
Thou shall not take the lords name in vain.
Thou shall keep holy the Sabbath.

These three are astrophysical language. They are meant to intimidate and control. There is no real meaning in the current world. When was the last time you “Holyed” a Sabbath Day?

Honor thy father and thy mother. Not all parents deserve respect an honor. A past act does not warrant a lifetime of respect. Parents, like everyone else, need to earn the respect that they are given.

Thou shall not covet thy neighbors goods. This one is completely off. Coveting goods and greed are the only things that keep economies going. The worlds economy would collapse if this commandment is followed.

Thou shall not steal and thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor. These are both dealing with dishonesty. Just get rid of those too and make one “Thou Shall Not Be Dishonest”.

Thou shall not covey thy neighbor’s wife. Coveting another is thought about by everyone over the age of 13. Sometimes the thoughts just pop into your head. That should not be a commandment if it forbids something that you can’t always control.

Thou shall not commit adultery. This one needs to be edited. If two single people want to hook up, let them. This commandment only applies if you are in a relationship. A commandment needs to cover everyone so it needs to be taken off the commandment list and put on a list of social rules.

Thou shall not kill. How can this be a commandment??? More people have died in the name of a god than any other cause. The crusades, suicide bombers etc. In fact the more devout the religious person is the more reasons there are to kill someone. Jesus says that there are times when killing is acceptable. Remember the story of the millstone???

So basically you can simplify this to two commandments.

1. Always be Honest and Loyal.
2. Always think before acting.

Forever Young

2005-10-30T23:37:00.000-08:00

This is a song by Rod Stewart. This is a great love song. And it is about childhood friendship. Or parents talking about their children.

May the good lord be with you down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud, dignified, and true
And do unto others as you would have done to you

Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever young, forever young

May good fortune be with you, may your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven with a prince or a vagabond
And may you never love in vain
And in my heart you will remain

Forever young,
forever young
Forever Young
Forever Young

And when you finally fly away,
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime, no one can ever tell
But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you
Win or lose

Forever Young,
Forever young,
forever young

Spam in the place where i live

2005-10-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

This is a post about advertising. The purpose of advertising is to make you unhappy. Seriously, they want you to be unhappy so you will buy their product and therefore make yourself happy.
I am posting becuas i havnt posted in awhile. Hence the bland subject. But also because comments on blogger and xanga are starting to have people post advertisements in them. It angered me.

ust Stop

2005-09-10T23:42:00.000-07:00

A quaint love song that I like

Bus Stop~~ The Hollies

Bus stop, wet day, she's there, I say
Please share my umbrella
Bus stop, bus goes, she stays, love grows
Under my umbrella
All that summer we enjoyed it
Wind and rain and shine
That umbrella, we employed it
By August, she was mine
Every morning I would see her waiting at the stop
Sometimes she'd shopped and she would show me what she bought
All the people stared as if we were both quite insane
Someday my name and hers are going to be the same
That's the way the whole thing started
Silly but it's true
Thinkin' of a sweet romance
Beginning in a queue
Came the sun the ice was melting
No more sheltering now
Nice to think that that umbrella
Led me to a vow
Every morning I would see her waiting at the stop
Sometimes she'd shopped and she would show me what she bought
Other people stared as if we were both quite insane
Someday my name and hers are going to be the same
Bus stop, wet day, she's there, I say
Please share my umbrella
Bus stop, bus goes, she stays, love grows
Under my umbrella
All that summer we enjoyed it
Wind and rain and shine
That umbrella, we employed it

By August, she was mine Good night and have a pleasant tommorow.

No one comments.

2005-09-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

Sex in Games

2005-08-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

I recently saw an article about sex in video games. It was talking about how sexuallity and sexual themes are increasing so much in the video game industry.

There are all these parents and politicians screaming at the video game industry for this. They say it is the video game producers who should be held at fault. (smack)

I think it is kind of funny that video games are the hot item, but movies have had sex and nudity in them for years. They have the rating system and people are ok with it.

Also everyone is mad about sex in video games. BUT they really don't care about the violence and gore. Kind of odd. In this sense the United States is different from the rest of the world. Violence is quite acceptable but sex isn't. For example in Japan there are numerous dating sim games.

Video games should be allowed to have whatever they want in them. They have the rating system. And retailers follow the rating system. Consumers need to accept the rating the video games have. Telling what game companies can and can't do is just odd. If they say what can and can't be in games they also need to tell what can and can't be in movies. Otherwise it is an unfair double standard.

M rated games can not be sold to people under the age of 18. That is the law. The problem is not the companies it is the parents. They need to be more involved in what their children are playing. If you see your 12 year old playing DOOM or something like that. (for all you game illiterate Doom is a game that is a first person shooter in which you kill many many many monsters. Extreme violence and gore.) You should stop them. Not blame the company for putting it out on the market. Parents need to look at the back of the video games before they buy it for their kids. On the back it gives the rating and why the game received that rating.

Well enough ranting.

A Stupid Saying

2005-08-15T21:39:00.001-07:00

Have you ever heard the saying,
"They broke the mold when they made you."

How is that a good thing?!?!?!?

It is:

1 Calling you fat.
2 Calling you a mistake that they dont want to repeat.
3 Calling an accident.

Short post but. Meh.

A Stupid Saying

2005-08-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

A silly song

2005-08-06T23:31:00.000-07:00

I'm the only gay eskimo
I'm the only one I know
I'm the only gay eskimo
In my tribe
I go out seal hunting with my best friend Tarka
But all I wanna do is get into his parka
I'm the only gay eskimo
In my tribe
Well .. me an nut fluck chuck buck, we both like blubber
But me I've got this crazy fetish for rubber
I'm the only gay eskimo
In my tribe
I make a wish on the northern lights
That I could get a decent pair of whale skin tights
I'm the only gay eskimo
In my tribe
And the seals they sing now
*seal noises*
These cold winter nights are taking their toll
I even get excited when I see the north pole
See the north pole
I'm the only gay eskimo
I'm the only one I know
I'm the only gay eskimo
In my tribe

The name of the song is The only gay eskimo.

Curfew

2005-08-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

Why is there curfews? It doesn't keep people safer. It is just a tool used by parents to control their children. But beyond the control issue is there any other reason?????

Crime happens during the day. People can get mugged during the day just as they could during the night. So they aren't physically protecting us.

Sex happens during the day. People can have sex just as easily at 4 pm as they can at midnight. So curfews aren't protecting peoples chastity.

Dangerous activities such as racing cars and doing drugs can be done in the day just as easily as night. So there is no bonus points for curfew there.

The only reason there is curfuw, as I can see, is so our parents can control us.

Any other reasons for or against curfew. Please comment.

Full Metal Alchemist

2005-07-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return.
To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.
That is alchemy's first law. The Law of Equivalent Exchange.

Kinda Like love. People only seem to accept the love that they dfeel they deserve. If someone says they love you. If you dont feel like you deserve it you will not accept it.

Tech Tip

2005-07-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

I am sure most of you have multiple screen names. I have several. And sometimes you don't want to leave a buddy list behind. Other times you have certain friends you talk to on one screen name and another group that you talk to on a second account.
Now you can run two, that's right two screen names at the same time without merging them.

Now I am giving all you faithful readers a tech tip to solve this problem. It is a program called AIM+

Here is the link. http://www.download.com/AIM-/3000-2150_4-10148426.html?tag=lst-0-5

What AIM+ does: When you sign onto AIM. You have your buddy list up for one screen name. AIM+ allows you to sign on with another sn as well. Having two of your screen names and two seperate buddy lists running at the same time. Pretty handy if you have multiple AIM accounts.

Sign onto AIM.
Load AIM+
enjoy dos screen names.

More tech tips shall appear later.

Major Changes

2005-07-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I am no longer going for a degree in secondary mathematics education.
Mainly Because It would take me 11 semesters. Which I thought, NO.

I am now a social studies secondary education major.
The current track I am on I will be able to teach:
American History
World History
Economics
Psychology
Sociology
Government

I think I will be able to find a job.

And then I will be making very very little money for the rest of my career. I'm glad I am going to college for it.

Let it Be

2005-07-20T23:23:00.000-07:00

Just a good song. If you don't know who sings this, you need to get out from under your rock.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right it front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer
Let it be
For though they may be parted there is
still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
yeah, there will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow
Let it be
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

Playing God.

2005-06-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Conquering death was always exclusively God's playing field. Not anymore.

This is amazing. Scientists have found ways to bring dogs that are completely dead and revive them.

SCIENTISTS have created eerie zombie dogs, reanimating the canines after several hours of clinical death in attempts to develop suspended animation for humans.US scientists have succeeded in reviving the dogs after three hours of clinical death, paving the way for trials on humans within years.
Pittsburgh's Safar Centre for Resuscitation Research has developed a technique in which subject's veins are drained of blood and filled with an ice-cold salt solution.
The animals are considered scientifically dead, as they stop breathing and have no heartbeat or brain activity.
But three hours later, their blood is replaced and the zombie dogs are brought back to life with an electric shock.
Plans to test the technique on humans should be realised within a year, according to the Safar Centre.
However rather than sending people to sleep for years, then bringing them back to life to benefit from medical advances, the boffins would be happy to keep people in this state for just a few hours,
But even this should be enough to save lives such as battlefield casualties and victims of stabbings or gunshot wounds, who have suffered huge blood loss.

During the procedure blood is replaced with saline solution at a few degrees above zero. The dogs' body temperature drops to only 7C, compared with the usual 37C, inducing a state of hypothermia before death.
Although the animals are clinically dead, their tissues and organs are perfectly preserved.
Damaged blood vessels and tissues can then be repaired via surgery. The dogs are brought back to life by returning the blood to their bodies,giving them 100 per cent oxygen and applying electric shocks to restart their hearts.
Tests show they are perfectly normal, with no brain damage.
"The results are stunning. I think in 10 years we will be able to prevent death in a certain segment of those using this technology," said one US battlefield doctor.

Isn't this cool. Death can be reversed. Or at least be paused. Very cool and very erie.

We are playing GOD!!!

Clever Title

2005-06-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

I couldn't think of a title that fit this post. So it got a clever one instead.

I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh, I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why.

How true. It really is. We are in a hurry to better ourselves, but why??

To what avail? We are going to die. Unless the mayans were right. 12-21-2012.

What will someone really have if they gain control of the world. Worry, and the loss of it when they cease breathing.

But if one lives right, that is enough. A life full of love and happiness, even a short one is well worth it.

We MUST enjoy what little time we are given. So have as much fun as you want, and get that extra scoop of icecream on your pie.

Thieves

2005-06-21T22:12:00.002-07:00

Thieves come in many forms.

Sometimes a thief is good to have. I am a pretty good thief. Well I can be. Stealing is easy if you know how to do it. My ethics keep me from doing it.

There are lots of things people steal. My friend Jeff just had his stereo taken out of his car. But not everything stolen is something you can buy. Some people try to steal people.

I am talking about stealing someones boyfriend or girlfriend.

I see it and you can see it when certain people interact. Stop trying to steal person. It is just against some code of ethics. Call it a guy code or woman's intuition, i dont know.

But if you think about stealing someone else's other. Just stop.

I know you can't stop looking because of hormones and stuff like that.

Look but don't touch.
Look, but don' flirt.

Stop stealing. The only thing you should be stealing is the deal in a friendly game of eucher.

Thieves

2005-06-21T22:12:00.001-07:00

"Don't You" (Forget About Me)

2005-06-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

I just bought and watched the movie, "The Breakfast Club". That movie should be shown to all the incoming freshman at high school during their orientation. It is such a good movie. It gives you a point of view that you should have for high school. I shall have a party for it sometime this summer.

Anyway. The post is title because of a song in the movie. "Don't You" by Simple Minds.

(Won't you come see about me
I'll be alone, dancing, you know it baby
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out
love's strange: so real in the dark
Think of the tender things
That we were working on
Slow change may pull us apart
When will I get any of your heart, baby?

[Chorus] Don't you forget about me
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Don't you forget about me

Will you stand above me
Look my way, but never love me
Rain keeps falling
Rain keeps falling
Down, down, down
Will you recognize me
Call my name or walk on by me R
ain keeps falling Rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

(Hey, hey, hey, hey)

Don't you try and pretend
It's my beginning
We'll win in the end I won't harm you
Or touch your defences
Vanity, insecurity

Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone dancing, you know it, baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

[Chorus]
Don't you forget about me
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Don't you forget about me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name
As you walk on by
Will you call my name
When you walk away

[Chorus x2]

Oh, will you walk away
Will you walk on by
Come on, call my name
Will you call my name

Good song. And it is really upbeat, kinda.
Anyway. No matter what we do we will be remembered and forgotten. Be thought of as a sinner and a saint. Because no matter how much we want or how much we try. You can not ever be totaly erased from the memory of time.

Live today, for the present is where the seeds for the future are planted.
Learn from yesterday, for the present was, and is and will be a vital lesson
Looked to the future with pure hope.

Memories are made from the present we leave ourselves with.

Just a question

2005-06-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

Do you honor a neglectful father??

To be more specific one who just lets you do whatever you want. All the time. With the only punishment received much much later. One who doesn't literally tell you right from wrong but wants you to figure it out.

Feeling Like a Sheep

2005-05-23T19:52:00.000-07:00

Normally I don't copy posts but I figured why not.

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal

Negative Words

2005-05-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

There are lots of words that people consider negative. So we replace them with happier words.

Here are a few.
Secretary= Administrative Assistant
Garbage Man= Sanatation Engineer
Homeless person= Outdoorsman
The dog walker= A Canine Fecal Transport Engineer
Speed bumps= Road Hiccups
Condoms= Crotch Mittens
Egomanaical Bitch= My Mom

There are just a few. Let me know if you think of anymore.

Dating or something like it.

2005-05-15T11:16:00.000-07:00

This post is just an odd post that a simple phrase got me thinking. I heard someone say that they were"dating or something".

Anyway, I was wondering what the levels of a relationship are. Is it going out, dating, seeing each other, boyfriend and girlfriend. Is that the right order?
All these terms. What do they mean????? I really don't have a clue what the difference is. Is there even a difference???

This also got me thinking about the slang about the bases of dating. Like making it to first base, second base and so on. What does each base mean??

Any insight???

A Fun Time

2005-05-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

I had a really really fun night. I met with Jeff and Theresa, after I picked Sarah up from her house, at Target and we decided to hit the zoo. (First time any of us had been to a zoo in awhile)
We got there a half hour before it was going to close. So we didnt go in.
Instead we went to Kids Kingdom, but they were doing repairs so we couldn't play.
SO we went to Rum Village to play in the little town called safetyville. but it was locked.

So instead we went and played on the playground. Freaking a bunch of kids out. It was quite amusing. Then we went on a walk on a trail. Yea, we had some good laughs. I found out that Theresa is so scared of snakes. We pretty much stepped on one. She freaked. (she will probably kill me for that).

Then we went to the Oaken Bucket for dinner. Such good hamburgers. (It was Jeff and Theresa's first time there. They enjoyed it thouroughly.)

Then we went to see Kingdom of Heaven. Very Very good movie.

After that we chilled at the movie theatre for awhile. Then Jordan, aka the most confusing woman alive, called and asked what we were doing. I said that we were walking around in circles because we joined a cult. The reason for us joining was the fact that they had really really cool robes.

Then we went our seperates ways.

The evening was a great experience. Got to hang out with friends, saw a good flick, and we added some more things to "the list". I had so much fun playing in the park and acting like a little kid. First time I did that in a long time. I also got Sarah home early, which was a first. This was an evening of firsts.

Feeling Shitty

2005-05-04T20:02:00.000-07:00

Well, about an hour ago I started feeling bad. Not sick. Just worthless. I felt like a waste.
That I wasnt loved.

More than anything I wanted a hug, a good cry, and to fall asleep on someone's shoulder.

Now the scourge of my existence (thanks Liz) is telling me I have to go. She needs to die. I can't wait to spit on her coffin.

Strange Going Ons

2005-05-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

I just got my last bit of prom photos developed. And alas, no pictures of Carolyn turned out. How odd is that??? I have pictures of everyone else but all the pics of Carolyn didn't turn out. I was pondering this and have come to the conclusion that you she doesn't exist.

No she must exist, or maybe I don't exist. Hmmmm. Either or. I think it is just odd.

Oh well thats all i could think about posting. Bleh..

I have some fun pictures that i shall bring tommorow.

Oh i have 4 hours of Jumper the next two days. Tear.. Sob.... Curl into the fetal position and whimper softly.

Prom Conclusion

2005-04-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

Prom was a most entertaining and wonderful evening. Everyone looked wonderful.

The century center was crap compared to this place. Big dance floor, beautiful lighting. It was all fantastic. The food was better last year and so were the gifts. They give us little bitty candles, how cheap.

Didn't win anything at after prom but no big deal. It was still fun.

If you think about it. This will be most peoples last time of getting really dressed up before they are married. Kinda sad.

Besides being in wedding parties, guys will probably never wear tuxes again. I hope you took lots of pictures.

Oh well, the end of an era. No more school dances.

Prom

2005-04-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

Prom is tommorow and I got my tux. I clean up surprisingly well. I hate it though. The clean cut, all dressed up look is so not me. I mean my outift actually matches. (Just letting you people know, I am ready to walk out the door without turning on a single light in the morning.)

Oh well. I am really excited. I can't wait to see Sarah's dress. I'm sure she look good.

All the rest of you lads and lasses shall also be stunning. I wonder what prom event will happen that will beat the inflatable date???

Oh well, just like on christmas eve. Santa and Prom come sooner if I go to bed. Bye all.

Commandment Issues

2005-04-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

I have some comments about the 10 commandments.

First of all the Second Commandment. Keep Holy the Sabbath.
How many people actually do this one??? I know I don't. I work more on Sunday than any other day. Does anyone actually treat the Sabbath as a day of rest???

My main problem with the commandments is the Fourth Commandment. Honor thy Father and thy Mother.
I cannot see the logic in this. Why are we honoring someone if they have done nothing to deserve it. I will not honor someone who does not deserve it.

If you parents were criminals and in prison, according to this you should still honor them?

you should not base your honor on something that someone has done in the past. One action should not allow someone a life of honor.

Love is in the Air

2005-04-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

Girls flirt. Guys flirt. It happens everyday. I believe that the signals guys and girls send to each other arent totally received. They are partly there.

Simple analogy, the radio. Why not radio waves in the air. (hence the title)

Girls broadcast there flirts and feelings on one station.
This is received clearly by other people of the female persuasian. Other people recognize everything as sooo obvious. But the person who is supposed to get them is clueless.

Guys are on different stations than the girls. Sometimes all the way on AM. So the signal doesnt come through correctly. Guys think they are understanding but most likely they are not even close.

Every once in a while guys receive these transmissions and understand them. More often than not guys do not recognize them as anything more than static,(idle chitchat. They are just being nice). Nothing happens and it never becomes anymore than a crush.

Sometimes though we are just a bit off and recieve the messages as garbled so the real meaning isnt completely understood. i.e. Lust and love. How do you expect an AM guy to talk to an FM girl?

So even though you think your are sending strong signals, the other person may only be getting garbled blips. Just be patient or be bold and just straight out ask them out.

So hit the scan button under your chin.
Happy listening.

Becoming a Bit More Godly.

2005-04-02T20:16:00.000-08:00

For some reason. Today after Sarah left, and everyone went to bed, I turned on the news. Seeing the popes body just kinda shocked me. I almost cried. Then something inside me kinda clicked. well besides my neck. But suddenly I began to think about god. And whether or not he/she/it exists. And i think there is a god again. what the hell made a change that suddenly. how could the picture of a dead guy half way around the world have made me feel that way???? It kinda freaks me out.

I still don't believe in catholocism but I am no longer athiest..........

whatever that means

Calling all Cowards

2005-03-29T22:10:00.000-08:00

I thank those of you who posted.

But I am angry at those of you who said you read my posts and said, you were too angry or just agreed with someone elses post.

Post that you agree with me.
Post against me.
But post.

Choose a side and voice your opinion. I want your input. If I didn't why would I even post?

Those who have opinions and do not stand for them are cowards. I challenge you to prove your courage.

Why Catholocis Made Me Lose Faith.

2005-03-25T23:25:00.000-08:00

I think the main reason I am not Catholic is that I have gone to Catholic schools for 12 years. They have forced their view onto me. They have also taught me that all other religions are inferior and false. When you force one view onto people long enough they will eventually rebel against it for something they find more sutible. They will also try and find something else to try before they conform to the only perspective that they have.

Aren't catholics supposed to be understanding?
Most Catholics I've talked to are really set in their ways and everyone else is wrong. Whenever faith is brought up, they already have their minds closed because they think they are right. No matter what you say they are in their mindset of infallibility.

Also Father Dan's class has turned me against the faith. All the questions he raised in class encouraged me to read deeper into them. That class filled my mind with so much doubt. I found that kind of stupid for a Catholic class to fill peoples minds with that amount of doubt and then not give them the response. Outside of class I read lots of philosophy and it just further increased the confidence I had for my views. And I read other people beside Nietzche. He is not as bad as you Catholics think. Try reading some of his stuff before you condemn him.

Another thing that I don't like about Catholics is their belief on how faith is needed to get into heaven, if there is such a place. A faithless righteous person is doomed. How unfair. According to that view I'm doomed to hell. Not saying I'm righteous but I don't think I deserve hell. So according to Dante the greatest thing I can hope for is living just outside oh hell. Isn't hope grand?

One thing I admire and hate about Catholics is their persistance. They will continue to pray for a lost cause. But when you are the cause it is very very annoying.

We will find out the whole religion thing when we die. Anyone willing to bet on who is right?

Alone

2005-03-08T18:55:00.000-08:00

I found a poem today. I thought I'd share it with you all.

Alone

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

I like the poem. It reminds us that we all need help.

An Attraction to self. Sort of....

2005-02-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

I was looking through back issues of Psychology today. Good magazine, full of insight and some creepiness when you realise what you do. Anyway. It was talking about relationships and why some people are attracted to different kinds of people. They posed a question to all.

They told you to think about yourself if you were of the opposite gender. What would you dress like, even what you think you would look like. What you imagine as what you would be there, is supposidly what type of person you are attracted to.

This kinda gets rid of the opposites attract theory but who knows. But the idea behind the thought kinda works.

If you actually try this please let me know if you find it true or not. Either in person or on the blog.

Thanks.

What Kind of Teenage are You.

2005-02-11T20:04:00.000-08:00

Another quiz. What can I say I'm bored out of my mind.

Take it.
http://www.quizilla.com/users/torinaura/quizzes/What%20type%20of%20teenager%20are%20you%3F

My results:
Your label is the Nice girl/guy. You tend to care for others over yourself. However, many people appreciate your caring side and would rather stick by you than hurt you. But, there is a downside. Some tend to abuse your kindness and take advantage of you. You always try to see the good in everyone and try not to hate. Also, you have sharp insight and a great personality. Calm, serene, and understanding, you make a worthy friend and a valuble ally to people in need. Don't change your sweet nature, your constant being-there can save a life.
I suggest your go into a field that centers around working with others such as a doctor, baby-sitter, psychologist, lifeguard, or Teacher. If none of these occupations interest you, it is okay then. I am sure that there are plenty of oppertunities out there for you.

Which Napoleon Dynamite Character are you?

2005-02-11T19:43:00.000-08:00

A new quiz. Check it out. It is an odd quiz but whatever. I didn't have anything else I'm ready to post.
Post your results on the comments page.
Here is the link:
http://www.quizilla.com/users/retromex/quizzes/Which%20Napoleon%20Dynamite%20character%20are%20you%3F

My result:
You are pretty much the coolest animal, a Liger.

Dante's Test

2005-02-08T18:51:00.000-08:00

How many of you thought about where you would be if you were in Dante's world? I'm sure atleast one of you. So take this highly inaccurate quiz and find out. If you want to post your results in your comment that would be good.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

Here is me.

Purgatory
You have escaped damnation and made it to Purgatory, a place where the dew of repentance washes off the stain of sin and girds the spirit with humility. Through contrition, confession, and satisfaction by works of righteousness, you must make your way up the mountain. As the sins are cleansed from your soul, you will be illuminated by the Sun of Divine Grace, and you will join other souls, smiling and happy, upon the summit of this mountain. Before long you will know the joys of Paradise as you ascend to the ethereal realm of Heaven.
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
(Click on a level for more info)
Level
Who are sent there?
Score
Purgatory
Repenting Believers- High

Level 1 - Limbo
Virtuous Non-Believers- Low

Level 2
Lustful- Low

Level 3
Gluttonous- Moderate

Level 4
Prodigal and Avaricious- Very Low

Level 5
Wrathful and Gloomy- High

Level 6 - The City of Dis-
Heretics- Very Low

Level 7
Violent- Low

Level 8- the Malebolge
Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers-High

Level 9 - Cocytus
Treacherous- Moderate

The Opposite of Sex

2005-01-22T21:31:00.000-08:00

I was bored so I went downstairs to veg on the couch for awhile. I was clicking through the guide and saw a movie that I heard about long ago. It is called "The Opposite of Sex". It has Christina Ricci (Wednesday from the Adams Family) Lisa Kudrow (Pheobe from Friends), and a couple other small stars (bullethead from The Steve Harvey Show) how i remember him i have no idea. Anyway the movie was made by the people who brought us the sacreligious comedy Dogma. So I started watching it.

Odd Flick. Good Flick. Kinda makes you think.

The movie of course is about sex. Cristina Ricci plays this 16 year old girl who is kinda a slut. She is also a real bitch. She gets this gay guy to fall in love with her and all hell breaks loose when she finds out shes pregnant. Yea, like I said, kinda odd.

There are a couple of odd sayings that are said in the movie. I will type one of them.

Sex is beyond procreation.
Sex is beyond recreation.
Sex is about concentration.
A biological highlighter that causes you to focus on your lover.

Interesting concept on what sex is all about.

Make me Briefly happier

2005-01-22T17:51:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. I have a really uber super serious problem that you can help with a petition. They cancled Dead Like Me. and that makes me and many other sad. Please sign the petition and help bring back one of the best shows of all time.

http://www.petitiononline.com/dlm1218/petition.html

Please sign it. Thanks.

Dreaming while in Reality

2005-01-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

"But I being poor. Have only my dreams.
I lay my dreams at your feet,
Tread softly,
for you tread on my dreams"

I heard that the other day and wrote it down in my notebook. I pondered it a while and thought about how we each really go through all this.

Every day we put our dreams and our selves at the feet of others. Every time we leave and go into the real world. We risk havin our dreams crushed. Coming from this ponder session I thought about the three types of people in the world.

The first type of person are those who crush your dreams. These are the people who tell you to conform. These people give you sheep lessions because they are sheep themselves. Why follow a sheep or even trust them?

The second type of person who just treads softly. These are the "friends" you have in school that you will say you will keep in touch but really won't. They are nice to have because you have some security while in school of people to bale you out of trouble. But still not the friend you really count on. They are mostly fair weather friends.

The third type of person is the one who lifts you and your dreams up. The person who helps you break your dreams from their current home into reality. Helping you and encouraging you along the way. These are the true friends. These are not the people you should lose. These are the people you trust whole heartidly. They are the true diamonds in the rough.

That is all.

Views on a dance

2005-01-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

Semi formal was fun. More fun than I expected. I got to me Slack's girl. She is awesome if you didn't meet her. I danced a little. And I helped Masters get a girl to dance with him. A pretty good night.

First of all I have to comment on the girls attire. You were all stunningly beautiful. It was surprising to see some of you in femenine attire instead of the usual pants and sweatshirts. But a good kind of surprise. The shoes you wore were a testament of how tough you girls really are. Wearing skimpy sandles in 12 degree weather. Way to be insane for fashion.

The guys seemed to clean up well. They almost look sophisticated. But alas civility will be long gone 8 am tuesday morning.

The music was pretty good. Except for the sin against nature and rhythym. The remake of Crazy Train. (shudders) Bleh.

Well thats all for now. I'm going to go lay down on my roof and watch the angel and demon fight over my soul. Right now the angel is beating the devil with his halo. Quite amusing.

The conclusions to semiformal

2005-01-17T16:46:00.000-08:00

It was better than I expected. It was fun to see everyone outside of school.

First of all kudos to all the girls. You all looked stunning. And in the classy way. Not being skanktastic. And the shoes were a definite testament of how tough you girls really are. Wearing sandles in 12 degree weather. I tip my hat to you ladies.

The guys cleaned up nice. The people looked semi sophisticated almost giving hope to civility from immaturity. But they will back to their old selves tommorow. Sophistication loses to stupidity yet again. (shakes head)

The music was pretty decent. except when they played the remake to crazy train. That remake is a sin against nature. Oh well. Needed more techno.

Oh well over all I had fun. I danced a little. I got to see some friends. I actually convinced Jim Masters to ask a girl to dance. He did and she danced with him. I also got to meet Slack's girl. She is pretty cool. Way to go Slack.

Signing off.
Now i get to go watch the angels and demons fight over my soul above me.

The Semi of Formal

2005-01-16T14:58:00.000-08:00

Here I am before getting ready for Semiformal. I dont know why I'm going. Last dance I went to sucked. It was my fault but still. I just can't be with large groups for long periods of time. But still I go because it nearing the end of school dances. I just don't want to pass up an experience that I may regret later. So far I have lived my life with little regret. Possibly because I don't activly search new things. Maybe it is the stoic fear. Oh well. I will able to have think in the corner writing if not.

The one sure good thing is that I get to mess with my camera and see all my friends all dressed up.

I hope all goes well. If not, I shall have just wasted a couple hours. No big deal. I've wasted more time than that on worse things. Remember the Pokemon craze. bleh

Oh well, To the Night in the City of Lights. May all go well. Godspeed.

The Draft

2005-01-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

I have thought about a piece of our government called the draft. I have thought about the pluses and minuses of having a mandatory military service. Such as, after high school a person would enlist for two years or something like that.

Pro:
Every person leaves the army with some trade skills.

They start their lives with money in the bank.

People learn discipline and hard work.

An army large enough so that soldier around the world would be stationed for shorter terms. A rotation could be put in place so soldiers would only be over seas for months instead of years.

Training would help stop adult obesity.

Con:

Large army would be expensive to care for and pay.

Many people are extremely opposed to fighting and would refuse.

Not all people should be given machine guns.

One other question about the draft. Should women be forced to sign up for the draft? Men have to. Why shouldn't women?
I believe they should. Women are able to perform other “male” jobs. I believe a person should not be exempt from the draft because of their gender.

Explaining

2004-12-31T20:28:00.000-08:00

I have figured out what has happened. I can tell what has happened. This will explain the previous post.

What happened was that I was working at Target and I saw Lacey and her husband. I so wanted to just cry when I saw her. More than anything I wanted to just run up to her and hug her. But that would not have been good. Her husband was there and he just looked like a total idiot. She was smart and yet she picked a moron. Oh well. The power of love.

Now you can see why i was confused and reverted back to stoicism. It was easier than crying.

Another depressing post

2004-12-27T15:29:00.000-08:00

I have reverted back to being a stoic. It is just so much easier to shut every emotion down than to deal with pain. I can look at people objectivly. I can hear peoples problems and help them by completely logically analyzing the situation. In that way i have an ever so small purpose of helping people.

But being a stoic helps me bby shielding me from disappointment and pain. Sure I won't fully live life, but neither will I suffer its wrath.

The reason I reverted back to this nothingness was because what I had heard wasn't true. I was taken completely off guard when someone from my past came back. I thrusted my emotions back inside. If i didn't i would have lost it.

The feeling deep inside.

2004-12-13T17:05:00.000-08:00

Ever get the feeling that something is wrong. And I mean seriously wrong. I have that feeling. And the feeling of dread is backed up by some evidence.

I think I'm Schizophrenic.

It makes sense. I have emotional distance. (symptom 1)

I sometimes here whistles that get steadily higher until they are no more. (symptom 2)

I sometimes see rising clear circles in the air. (Symptom 3)

Now self diagnosis isnt a good thing. I will wait until I have some actual tests to decide. Until then i just have to stop being paranoid.

I hope I'm wrong. But if I'm right it explains alot.

Forced Openess

2004-12-07T13:05:00.000-08:00

Keeping oneself behind their facades will cause pyschological trama later on. In fact not opening oneself up to others stifles their inner growth. I have a problem with being open.

In an effort to correct this problem I have decided to expose myself to a kind of forced openess.

I am doing this by forcing myself to answer honestly about every question they ask me. Internal questions or external.

There is only one rule. I will not say anything about something others have told me in confidence.

The Song of a Stoic

2004-11-29T19:06:00.000-08:00

He wants to dream like a young man
With the wisdom of an old man.
He wants his home and security,
He wants to live like a sailor at sea.
Beautiful loser, where you goona fall?
You realize you just can’t have it all.

He’s your oldest and your best friend,
If you need him, he’ll be there again.
He’s always willing to be second best,
A perfect lodger, a perfect guest.
Beautiful loser, read it on the wall
And realize, you just can’t have it all....you can’t have it all,

you can’t have it all,Oh, oh, ... can’t have it all.

He’ll never make any enemies,
He won’t complain if he’s caught in a freeze.
He’ll always ask, he’ll always say please.
Beautiful loser, never take it all’
cause it’s easier, faster when you fall,
You just don’t need it all
Oh, oh, ... you just don’t need it all.

Beautiful Loser ~~Bob Segar

A song of a stoic. I am a stoic. I feel what he means. I live what he means.

Losing My Religion

2004-11-29T18:48:00.001-08:00

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

(chorus)
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight,
I'mLosing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that
I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

(repeat chorus)
But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

~~~REM

Losing My Religion

2004-11-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

Untitled

2004-11-26T17:11:00.000-08:00

Work is freedom.
Genius is isolation.
Love is illusion.
Pain is real.
Suffering is life.
God is dead.

I am not far behind.

Religion And Politics

2004-11-24T19:45:00.000-08:00

There aren't many subjects that end friendships faster.

Some people enjoy talking about these things. I really don't. Because if two friends with opposing views start talking nothing good can come from it?

Whether religion or politics I respect everyone enough to allow them to have their own views. That is all I ask from others. You may not believe what I do but allow me to believe it.

Religion and Politics: Agree to Disagree.

Play

2004-11-19T09:53:00.000-08:00

I went and saw the play last night. It was very good. The actors were doing a pretty good job. I don't know why I like the plays, I just do. I admire their skill and their courage of getting in front of a crowd of people and still performing. I encourage you all to see it.

What was fun though was watching the play with the people. Talking to the people running the equipment and stuff. Hanging out above the bleachers with Quig and Laurie. It was most fun. The only downside of the evening is that I was tired today. Oh well it was so worth it.

The only play I want them to do is The Mouse That Roared. That is quite an awesome book and play and they need to do it.

Just a Quote

2004-11-13T20:43:00.000-08:00

The hardest war to fight is when the battle field is in your mind and your enemy is invisible. Surrender is never an option.

The song of Death

2004-11-13T19:52:00.000-08:00

I thought that this would be something death would be saying. Or a song that death would have in the back ground before it sickled someone.

I can hear what your thinking
All of your doubts and fears
And if you look in my eye
In time, you'll know the reason I'm here.
And in time, all things shall pass away
In time you may come back someday
To live once more
or die once more
But in time, your time will be no more.

It sounded like the sound of death to me. I bet the grim reaper has a really high voice, thats why he doesnt talk to his victims. JK. I would never mock death. Death is a wonderful and necessary part of life.

Money For Nothing

2004-11-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

Another fun song. I know some people like this one. Others find it odd and just change radio stations. I think the unique randomness make the song quite enjoyable.
Money for Nothing
Dire Strait

Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and chicks for free
Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb
We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's
See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That little faggot got his own jet airplane
That little faggot he's a millionaire
We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchens deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's
I shoulda learned to play the guitar
I shoulda learned to play them drums
Look at that mama, she got it stickin' in the camera
Man we could have some fun
And he's up there, what's that? Hawaiian noises?
Bangin' on the bongoes like a chimpanzee
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Get your money for nothin' get your chicks for free
We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's, Lord
Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free
Money for nothin' and chicks for free

Fun Fun Fun, Thats all I have to say. Good song. Amusing.

A Good Song

2004-11-12T14:13:00.000-08:00

Listened to another good song today. Don't Fear The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult. Good song, always brings me happy memories. Anyone who is an SNL fan knows what I'm talking about. Will Ferril and Christopher Walken.
"I have a fever, and the only cure is more cowbell."
The song tells me to live as much as you can and don't fear death. Because you are eventually going to die. Might as well live while your alive.

All our times have come Here but now they're gone Seasons don't fear the reaper Nor do the wind the sun or the rain (we can be like they are) Come on baby (don't fear the reaper) Baby take my hand (don't fear the reaper) We'll be able to fly (don't fear the reaper) Baby I'm your man La-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la Valentine is done Here but now they're gone Romeo and Juliet Are together in eternity (Romeo and Juliet) 40,000 men and women everyday (like Romeo and Juliet) 40,000 men and women everyday (redefine happiness) Another 40,000 coming everyday (we can be like they are) Come on baby (don't fear the reaper) Baby take my hand (don't fear the reaper) We'll be able to fly (don't fear the reaper) Baby I'm your man La-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la Love of two is one Here but now they're gone Came the last night of sadness And it was clear she couldn't go on Then the door was open and the wind appeared The candles blew then disappeared The curtains flew then he appeared (saying don't be afraid) Come on baby (and she had no fear) And she ran to him (then they started to fly) They looked backward and said goodbye (she had become like they are) She had taken his hand (she had become like they are) Come on baby (don't fear the reaper)

There are more lyrics but this is all I can find. The lyrics come after the weird instrumental part in the middle. Mabey the version I have is like some live version. Oh well. The part that is here still gets my point across.

Follow My Heart

2004-11-07T18:31:00.000-08:00

I saw you at midngiht,
in a dream that I had.
From nowhere,
you stood there,
and you seemed so sad.
And a vicious decision is driving me mad.
Should I follow my head, or follow my heart?

You were different,
indifferent,
unbelievabley cool.
I approached you,
to show you,
that I'm nobody's fool.
And an error,
caused terror,
as I sensed your dare.
Should I follow my heard or follow my heart?

A question for us all.

Quite possibly one of the greatest REO Speedwagon songs of all time. Kinda odd that this track is on an album called HI INFIDELITY. oh well. This back when the band was godly because of Gary Richrath. One of if not the best guitar players of all time.

P.S. I only took some of the lyrics. The song has more. Ill have the CD in my car if you want to listen to it sometime.

Wishing on a Star

2004-11-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

I was taking my dog Greta out for a walk tonight. I was looking up at the sky and I saw something amazing. There was a shooting star. It was so beautiful. And I followed the tradition of making a wish. All I could think of was the word "love."

Thats all I said in my mind.
I thought about it. Not only was I wishing it for me, but for people I know too. I hope everyone finds the one or atleast someone to love and to receive love from.

Let's try this again

2004-11-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

Im going to post this again because the last I did this only one person responded. And it is something I'd really like to know.

What do you think of me?
Who do you think I am?

Please answer these questions.

The Love of Teenagers

2004-10-31T15:03:00.000-08:00

Many of you are currently in a relationship. Some times it feels like the relationship track instead though. You enter a relationship, do the same things that you did in previous relationships and end up back at the same finish/start line.

Step back from you life and examine your life. What changes from relationship to relationship?

People our age seem to be in a constant cycle. The cycle of crush, dating, routine, break up, pain.

The question I have then is:
Is the pain worth it?
Is it better to love and lose, than never to have loved at all?

I cannot answer this question myself. I have not experienced love.

Beware of Lust

2004-10-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

Here is a warning to everyone.

Lust is all around us. Not just around but within everyone.

Beware of lust.

Lust is crushing hearts.
Lust is ruining relationships.
Lust is causing us to objectify each other.
Lust is causing us to lose control.

We are humans. We can control our instincts.

Control your emotions. Do not let them control you.

Good luck.

The Genius Within

2004-10-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

He had a thousand ideas
You might have heard his name
He lived alone with his vision
Not looking for fortune and fame
Never said too much to speak of
He was off on another plane
The words that he said were a mystery
Nobody's sure he was sane:

{Refrain}
But he knewHe knew more than me or you
No one could see his view
Where was he going to

He was in search of an answer
The nature of what we are
He was trying to do it a new way
He was bright as a star
But nobody understood him"His numbers are not the way"
He's lost in the deepest enigma
Which no one's unraveled today

{Refrain}

And he tried
But before he could tell us he died
When he left us the people cried
Oh, where was he going to
He had a different idea
A glimpse of the master plan
He could see into the future
A true visionary man
But there's something he never told us
It died when he went away
If only he could have been with us
No telling what he might say

{Refrain}
But he knew
You could tell by the picture he drew
It was totally something new
Oh, where was he going to

Good good song. Kansas did it.

I kinda feel like this guy. We are all misunderstood Geniuses at one time or another.

Thoughts? Comments?

N. H. Fucking S.

2004-10-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

I had to go to the NHS initiation. I dont want to be there. I am forced there by my parents. Last year I "lost" the admission slips to stay out of this. I just don't feel right about being in NHS. I have no desire to be there. It is a forced admission. Like a forced apology it means nothing.

Another reason that the night sucked was that I had to spend time with my mom. I hated sitting nexst to her. I had to dress up and sit next to her. I hate dressing up. It is considered high society to wear a suit and tie. But all it does for me is make me uncomfortable and sick.

I dont feel like I belong in NHS.
Being in is like an all imporatant thing. La Di Frieken Da.

NHS lables me. I dont want to be labled except. Pep Rallies praise the atheletes, NHS praises the smart and intellectual. I feel bad at the middle of the road people who are just existing. When do they get their praise?

I want to be labled Michael David Duttlinger. No more. No less.

Thank you

2004-10-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all my friends who are there for me. I know you guys are there for me. I just forget sometimes. I try to face the world alone and end up getting hurt or worse, hurting someone I care about. I leanred that I cant give up my emotions. I need to accept them. Thank you all for being there for me. I hope I can return the favor sometime.

Im trying to figure out who I am, what my purpose is, and some other internal problems. I need to move on from who I am to the person I am supposed to be. Let go of old feelings and try making new ones.

For all of you who stick with me through this you will see some changes. Hope they are entertaining for everyone.

Home Coming

2004-10-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

I pretty much ruined homecoming for myself. I sat in a hall way and start writing thoughts on whatever pieces of paper I could fine. This was usually receipts and stuff like that. This is what I wrote word for word. If I go on rambling sorry. But this was a free write that I was doing. Since it was written on scrap there is not break. I'm also sorry if it makes me sound ADD. Sorry for the length and the misspellings. If you do make it all the way though you deserve applause.

Ahh yes, Homecoming. Another social gathering. I am here but not participating. Most of the people are in a huge mosh pit of dry sex, listening to music that causes ear damage and with vibrations that can be felt miles away. Bass that shakes your teeth and your being to the core Now we have switched from black rap to Mexican salsa. At least the vibrations aren't there. I should be excited to be here but alas all I can think about is that I've wasted $5. The wonderful life I leave. I'm still mad at myself for Friday. I became so absorbed with myself. My emotions came back. I wasn’t' used to feeling. I need numbness. Comfortably numb. Oi vey. At least there is only 3 more hours of this draining, taxing event. I should be sleeping. I should be anywhere but here. They announced the homecoming court with a good song. Wonderful. The first one of few that will be played this evening. People are not showing any respect for the court. But I can't blame them for that. I needed another piece of paper. Little sheets don't fit much writing on them. All put together they will form a long depressing blog. Great. At least that counts for something. Lady in Red came on. Decent but not that good. Better than all this ghetto music they play. Why there is ghetto music in a private school is beyond me. I'll probably fall asleep before the dance is over. I’m thinking of faking sick and going to get starbucks or something. Hell, I am already sick. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I think Ill go get some caffeine. Wow "we Like to Party" basic techno. Six flags has conditioned me to think of them when I hear this song. I guess they accomplished their job. As funny as it is. I have no musical talent but can say the words or recognize the music to 95 % of the songs out there. Not matter what the music. Soon some one will come over here and ask why I'm not dancing. I will answer "I choose not to". They will sit down and start talking. Ill tell them to go. Why do I desire to be alone. Yet still have people as "friends"? I don't want to be known. I want to help people in he background. Receiving no credit for myself. Attention is something people give me that I don’t want. Maybe Ill just act mean and drive everyone away. Now they are playing "sandstorm. No they stopped and are now playing "twist and Shout" Bleh I was quite happily standing outside but they forced me to come in. So I moved from the edged outside to the edge in the hallway. I want to be outside. The cool calmed and soothed me. The music was barely audible from there. I liked that. Now I can feel it. Forcing my bones to quiver on the hard notes. Now I’m out of paper, I must go and get more. I found some more paper. My mom's business cards. No other paper found at the moment. The start of Grease has begun. Marian needs so e new C.Ds Little Schwab told me "way to be a nonconformist" Go me. I’ve been labeled again. The pounding music is in rhythm with the pounding of my temples. Bored at another dance. I should have just not showed up. I had a free evening till 1 and I waste it at school. I’m such a genius. I could have gone to a movie, or visit some friends. I have wasted my freedom. The thing is that this dance has given me time to think. Then again my thinking is like laying on a bed of nails. They will soon start driving deeper and deeper into me. I find songs that tell people what do amusing. Legal superliminal messaging. I'm feeling sad now. My eyes are tearing up. I still have my emotions not present. Another kid is periodically coming back by me. Around the corner so I cant see him. He leaves and comes back. Since I’m not out there , I’m going to get comfortable and take off my tie. How did a strip of clothe become upper class. How did it replace cloaks, cloaks at least had some practical use. I think ties are sophisticated, clothe, bondage. I'm leaving the tie on because I'm on my last piece of paper and will have to go get more shortly. Must remain “presentable” that kid who keeps walking back there is punching the door and snapping himself with a rubber band. Must be a way of expressing emotion. I'm going to meditate for awhile. Try to clear my head and keep the time moving quickly. If I keep writing ill run out of paper before this is done. People are attempting to sing the songs, and ruining the song in the process. Back to the black rapness. Oh joy Oh rapture. I went out for more paper and was successful. I have four more sides of little notebook paper that shall so be turned into literary goodness. I just realized I could write on the back of this. Drama is unfolding right around the corner from me. Two girls are talking faster and faster. Tears are about to fall. That is just an observation I’ve made over the years. Girls talk quicker and quicker before they cry. Check it out sometime. Now we have a slow rap song. Kind of a contradiction in terms. My eyes are burning as I read these tiny scribbles. I should have brought a notebook. I am definitely buying a little note pa. Keep it with me. Just to write thoughts. Stopping by Meijer tonight for their 24 hour goodness. 1 hour and five minutes to go. Its not hard to keep track of time. Estimating about three and a half minutes a song. Ill be asked if I had fun. Ill say no. then I get the “that’s too bad”. I love rock and roll” just cam on. Some of these songs you really don’t think about dancing to. The DJ has stopped the music to have the people fill in the gaps. I think that it ruins the flow of the song. Going Loud, quiet, loud. Oh well. I guess the majority of people like it So much for old music. Now we have a kind of folkish kind of song with added beats. “Cotton eyes Joe”? I really cant here. Fiddle song with added bass. How odd. Its quite odd. I left my little area to see what was going on. Very few people smiling. These people are out partying and I'm sitting back here and we have booth achieved the same end point. I just saved my energy. No matter what you do or don’t do in life you will wind up unhappy in the end. How ironic. People are already bored. They are coming back by me, mocking the pictures of the past athletic stars. I definitely am going to submit this to the lance. It wont be published but still. Maybe ill post copies of this around the school like some other person I know. I think I’m, having more fur writing by myself than I would be just tagging behind someone. Tagging along would force me to have close to the speakers. So this “quieter solidarity” is definitely preferred. I'm getting stiff from sitting on this floor. I need a bench back here. I'm so tempted to set up the pads. A lot of people would probably do that instead. Its probably around 10 though. Only an hour left. Then I’m free. Stupid Marian rules, not allowing me to leave. I’m a prisoner at a party. If I did leave, what punishment would I get. I wonder. I think I'm going to leave. All I have left is two receipts, and a business card. Hope it lasts me. Ill just sleep when I run out of paper. Someone will wake me up when they find me. From what this dance was like I'm not going to others. Ill kill my social butterflies. Why not? They have given me nothing but pang. Thank God this is almost over. Where is the love just came on. How appropriate. All the unhappy people here wondering the same thing. Have you ever found love. What is the goal or purpose of this dance. Not the generic “to have fun” bullshit. I want a reason, a real reason. I cant believe I took off work for this. My emotions are struggling to get out by they are losing against my will. My mind is powerful. It is great when it is on my side. But it goes against me some times. I destroy myself from within. When you fight yourself. Yourself always wins. My eyes are tearing up. My eyes are tearing up to “can you feel the love tonight” stupid memories. Subconscious wants to win. My conscious will win. Hopefully. There, I won. Deep breath. A couple of focusing thoughts. Sweet home Alabama. Another up beat good song. And I'm not allowing my self to enjoy it. Allowing one emotion is like opening floodgates. I DO NOT want that to happen again. Losing control scares me. My body and mind should be controlled by me. This is no the case mentally, Most of the physical I have control of . Save the twitching and the insomnia. I am weak. I can finally leave this place. But alas I wait. Do I wait for sympathy? Why do I stay where I do not like to be? How can a person always love you. There is no such thing as true love. It is an illusionary dream. A dream that is sought but never found. An unattainable goal that drives humanity insane. Why must we continue to search for this. Love is like the end of a rainbow. We think we see it but we never do. Humanity has fallen in “love” with the idea. Therefore they will never stop striving for this concept. Las song has just finished. Time to leave. That was sure not worth $5. But since it was my fault I can blame anyone but myself. How about that? I'm going to keep writing till the traffic clears out. Or till I run out of paper. Paper will run out first. I am a victim of my own insanity

Pep Rallies

2004-10-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

Another Pep Ralley, another waste of time, another headache.

Our pep rallies are supposed rev us up. But Do they?

Our school doesnt have school spirit! I have no spirit, many people there have no spirit. I'm doing my homework as it is going on. Teachers are grading papers. During the games themselves, few people are going to support the team. They use it as a big social party.

They are yet another waste of time. Uniting the school by making the jocks seem more and more important. Belittling those who don't play. Is there a point? I have yet to seee one.

The atheletes are the ones who already get all the attention. So lets force the entire school to adore them.

I don't like pep rallies, we shouldn't be forced to attend.

This is an angry post.

Would you Keep the Pain?

2004-10-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

Here is a question for you... If you could erase your memories, say of a bad boyfriend or girlfriend. Or even one of just of a bad day. Would you?

I definitly would not. Your painful memories sculpt you more than happy ones. There are a thousand lessons in defeat. Victory really doesnt straight out tell you to improve. Defeat allows you to analyze the game.

Pain also allows us to appreciate the good times. If you won every game you played you'd be bored. Losing allows you to strive for something better.

You learn much from your shortcomings and failures, why would you want to erase the knowledge?

Love is a matter of frequency

2004-10-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

I believe that the signals guys and girls send to each other arent totally received.

Simple analogy, the radio.

Girls broadcast there flirts and feeligns on one station. This is easily received clearly by other females, but the guys it is another story entirely.

Guys are on different stations. Sometimes all the way on AM.

Every once in a while we guys receive these transmissions and understand them. More often than not we do not recognize them as anything more than static,(idle chitchat. They are just being nice) . Sometimes though we are just a bit off and recieve the messages as garbled so the real meaning isnt completely understood.

The same thing is true in reverse for guys.

So hit the scan button located on your left temple.

So even though you think your are sending strong signals, the other person may only be getting garbled blips. Just be patient or be bold and just straight out ask them out. There is no rule against girls asking guys.

Happy listening.

What is wrong?

2004-10-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

I feel off.

Something is wrong with me but I don't know what it is.
Possibly many things.
There is an emptyness within me.
There are standards set by myself that I do not achieve.
There are standards set by society that I do not achieve.
(you't think I could attain one or the other)

What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing wrong?

Why is there an emptiness?
How do I fix myself?

Here is a Loaded Question

2004-10-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

What do you think of Me?

More Random Quotes and Inquiries

2004-10-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

Here are some things to ponder. All of these quotes and ideas were taken from other people and the media. I can take no credit for these.

Who decided that the middle finger was the bad one?

The quickest way to despair is to think about how other people think of you.

A tatoo is just a designed group of self induced freckles.

If you died right now, what level of Dante's Inferno would you be in?

If you went back in time and had sex with yourself, would it be incest or masturbation?

A Simple Question

2004-10-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

What is "Love"?

And not just I love something. The I like it a lot love. I mean real love.

Let me know your thoughts.

Adolescence

2004-10-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

The single desire that dominated my search for delight was simply to love and to be loved. But no restraint was imposed by the exchange of mind with mid, whcih marks the brightly lit pathway of friendship. The bubbling impulses of puberty shrouded and obscured my heart so that it could not see the difference between love's serenity and lust's darkness. Confusion of the two things boiled within me. It seized hold of my youthful weakness sweeping me through the rocks of desire to submerge me in a whirlpool of vice. The wrath of this was upon me and I was unaware of it. I had become a prisonor of the mortal condition.

Wow that is some deep stuff. It is from Saint Augustine.

99% of people feel lust. 1% are lying.

While that fact is true, the ability to control and restrain oneself, is what allows us to overcome our emotions. Our humanity is the problem and the solution for this delema.

The Power of Memories

2004-10-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, I was at the grotto at Notre Dame. I had been going there since I was five with my dad. It was filled with good memories. Memories long forgotton.

My dad and I would go there for the rosary, and before each time we would clean out the candles. A friend of mine and I were cleaning out the candles, because they needed it and I like totally regressed back into my mind. I like lost myself. I was crushed by wave after wave of memory. The happiness that was there and the sadness of losing friends there. The flood gates just opened. I started sobbing.

I was happier then. I loved my parents and I felt love from my parents. I was too ignorant to know the problems of the world.

I became confused in a swirling vortex of emotion. If my friend hadn't been there, I don't know what I would have done. I might not be here typing this. So Thank you.

I think all this happened because of bottleing up my emotions. The root of my problems and stress seem to bbe tyed in with my mother. I hate her. She is too controlling. She has failed to realize that I am a unique individual. Her controlling nature has never allowed me to relax. Being on edge 24-7 is physically and mentally draining.

Though this experience was kind of embarassing, it was necessary. My heart was encased by a wall of inhibitions. It has partially broken through. My heart is still contained by most of the barriers have fallen away. My heart is lighter. This feeling hasnt happened in a long time.

This experience has taught me self worth. And has showed me that even I have a purpose. Even if I don't know what my final purpose is. Why I couldn't see it is beyond me. It myst be the human minds flaw finder. The reason why people look at an artpiece and see all the mistakes and over look the beauty.

I dont want this feeling of utter despair. I have to learn that I have friends who are there for me. I have frineds that are there for me. I don't have to worry about falling because they will catch me.

I have also decided to be more open about my emotions so they dont explode again.

Eternal Sunshine

2004-10-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

I just saw the movie, Eternal Sunshine For The Spotless Mind, and was like "woah". It is Soooooo good. It is kinda twisted and sureal, just the kind of movies I love.

The story is about Jim Carry who plays a guy named Joel. He is this really shy, quiet, loner kinda guy. He falls in love with this girl named clementine. They fall in love, and then fall out of love. He finds out that she has had him erased from her memory. So he goes and does the same thing. After he starts doing it though, he realizes he still loves her and tryes to stop it. Im not going to ruin the end but rent it, watch it, love it.

Joel reminds me of me kinda. he is shy and is pretty much content with himself. He doesnt want or need much he just kinda exists. He is just a regular nice guy.

Anyway. None of you figured out the code. the letters that are there are typed one key to the left on the keyboard. So as you can see, "A" was "S" and so on. Does that help.

Class Prayer

2004-09-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

The act of group prayer in class is a waste of time. We are losing valuable class time every hour. These prayers don't mean anything to the majority of the students who say them. Prayer should only be done willingly. This type of prayer is forcing people to go towards a Christian religion. We should stop forcing Catholicism upon others.

If they choose to believe in God they need to find their own path to him. If people are forcing them through it will mean nothing. Focing people to God is like a forced apology. Meaningless.

They need to cut through their own path of confusion to find their religious destination. Their act must be of their own accord and forced by noone else. A self made path is stronger.

Here is a code try and figure it out. Here is a hint look down.
Hpf ;pdy ,u dpil om s hs,r pg vstfd

Let me know if you figure it out.

Death and function

2004-09-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in Jumper's class (hence the second part of the title) today thinking of killing my self. And don't say I'm suicidal, everyone who has her class thinks it. Any way. I thought of the functionality of death.

Death is a wonderful thing. It starts things over again. It allows a person to see where their predicesors have failed so that they may succeed. We are not supposed to equal the previous generation, we are supposed to surpass it. If people didnt die, the world would be in even more trouble than it already is. Or would it?

If no one died, then we would not need to have people eat. They would still survive. Wars would errupt and not solve anything and therefore more peaceful means would have to be put in place.

But if death takes a holiday, would pain?

Oh well. I've thought of the top 5 ways, I think are the most horrible to die (In No Apperant Order):
1. Drawn and Quartered.
2. Flayed.
3. Kheel-hauld.
4. Drowning.
5. Killed by the one you love.

Oh vey.... This has been a post where my mind has been able to escape from between my temples. Bad Mix tonight. Ranting is here, so is the shaking. I think I'll start running. Slow motion isn't here... yet. I hope it skips the party. Must burn off the energy. Sleep will not come tonight.

The reason for my problems

2004-09-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

I have disccovered the reason to all of my problems. It involves mail, both real and electronic. Chain Letters (insert dramatic music) I have never ever sent a single one along. So according to my calculations, I'm just making this number up, I have about 800 years of bad, loveless, going to lose at everything luck. Oh joy oh rapture.

What the hell. Might as well blame something. Also to make my life even more miserable that luck is all being cramed into eight years because the world is going to end/radically change (whichever source you want to belive), in December 2012. Fate knows this, so I've become the target of a superconcentrated unlucky game. I'm like the ball/cube/whatever in pong. Hoping to get passed the big bad bar of fate. Sometimes I make it. 99.999% of the time I get hit backwards, away from my goal. This also speeds me up so the next time I hit it is more painful.

Seriously go to google or whatever search engine you want and type in "2012". You will get some interesting reading. This will also explain that the best time for a ski trip is the summer of 2012.

Oh well. If I survive the gods cruel games til then. I'll bring the popcorn as we watch the apocolypse.

Weird Weird Twisted Songs

2004-09-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

I heard possibly the weirdest song of all time today. I'm talking odd and containing messed up lyrics. The song was "take a walk on the wild side" by lou reed. Tell me what you think of the song.

Take a Walk on the Wild Side

Holly came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitchhiked her way across the U-S-A
Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side

Candy came from out on the Island
In the back room she was everybody's darlin'
But she never lost her head
Even when she was givin' head
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
And the colored girls goDoo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo...

Little Joe never once gave it away
Everybody had to pay and pay
A hustle here and a hustle there
New York City's the place where
They said hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
They said hey Joe, take a walk on the wild side

Sugar plum fairy came and hit the streets
Lookin' for soul food and a place to eat
Went to the Apollo
You should have seen him go go go
They said hey Sugar, take a walk on the wild side
I said hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
All right, huh

Jackie is just speedin' away
Thought she was James Dean for a day
Then I guess she had to crash
Valium would've helped that bash
She said hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
I said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side
And the colored girls goDoo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo...

What an odd and twisted song.

DDR Club

2004-09-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

This was a huge success. We had about 50 people show up. Way to many. We need to get more pads. If you or anyone you know has pads they would be willing to donate let me know. I would be much obliged.

Let the Dancing Begin.

2004-09-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

The Dance Dance Revolution club is now official. We were just hours ago approved by our principle into allowing us to form.

Now we will meet every Thursday after school. YAAY!!!

Now the time will come for me to be shown up by people who are way better than me. Oh well, gives me somthing to shoot for. It should be much fun. I hope its not too crowded since we only have one set of pads right now. Oh well we shall soon see.

DDR MAX 2. The only thing the club needs now is T-shirts.

Some Random Quotes

2004-09-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

I was reading The Inferno by Dante and I started really thinking about death. Here are a few quotes about death and sadness.

There is no greater pain than to remember happy times in times of misery.

Enough said there.

I can handle being dead, I can't handle being alone.

I know whats that like. But I think I'm handling the second pretty well.

You never know what you'll do,
when the scythe of death slashes you.

What will your last words be? Will it be prayer? Regret?
If I see it coming, mine will be,"Ahh Shit"

To be forgotten is worse than being dead.

Being a memory is better than being a live forgotton.

Some more will be added later.

More Than A Feeling

2004-09-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

More Than A Feeling, Boston

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
’till I see marianne walk away
I see my marianne walkin’ away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
’till I see marianne walk awayI see my marianne walkin’ away

When I’m tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to knowI closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped away. she slipped away.

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
’till I see marianne walk away
I see my marianne walkin’ away

I heard this song today. It was stuck in my head so I started analyzing the lyrics. Now here is what I got out of the lyrics in respect for my own life.

My days start out with depression. Then I look to distractions to make myself "feel" happy. I use these distractions as an escape from reality.

The next part is about escaping from a chaotic reality to a dream world. A place where everything goes your way and you control everything. All the emotions, particularly love for a certain person is so much more than a feeling. That love can get you through many things.

This part seems to tell about all the friends we have made. And how these friends become acquaintances. And finally just people. But it also talks about how there are some people who just seem to stick in your mind. You can picture them and remember them even though you haven't talked to them in years.

The final part seems to talk about how my defenses drop when I'm tired at the end of the day. I try to forget everything that happened that day. Because usually most of it is bad. Then as I'm hiding I remember her. And then the thoughts of doubt come in how I lossed her. And what I could have done so that I was with her now.

(sigh)
I guess I'm not quite over Lacey yet. I need to let it go, but then when I hear songs like this I regress back to emotional confusion and doubt.

Dance Dance Revolution

2004-09-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

The first step in starting a new club happened today. I set it up and told a few people about it. We had about 10 people show up after school. Not bad for not announcing it.

Tommorow morning my club sponser (Mr. Grosz) and I are going to see our principle to get it officially approved. It should be approved.

A bunch of people said they would join the club. So the unofficial meeting worked out well.

I hope it continues. By the end of the year i hope to have converted the school toward its goodness. Just kidding.

Anyway, if you want to join do it. It is very fun. At the very least try it.

Quiz

2004-09-16T16:29:00.000-07:00

Lots of quizes exist out there. I'm going to talk about two. One is a personality quiz and one is an Earthbound quiz. I'll then post my results. Take the quizes and let me know your results.

Personality.
Your Results:
Paranoid: Low

Schizoid: Low

Schizotypal: Moderate

Antisocial: Low

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: Moderate

Narcissistic: Moderate

Avoidant: Moderate

Dependent: Moderate

Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Hmm. I guess I am more messed up than I thought. You never know how bad you are until you read about it.
Here is the link. http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

The other test is to see what character from Earthbound you are. This quiz was made by Stratnz so you know its funny. http://blanetwork.net/ebrewrite/quiz/

Jeff- You like to question the world, mostly because nothing makes sense...ever. You love to mess with things, like adding explosives to stuff that might not need it. You can be a little opinionated, which can get ya into trouble, but hey, the world deserves it.

Well there are two quizes for you to dull your mind with. Post your results in my comment section.

The Honest Truth

2004-09-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

Nothing really exciting to write about so its time to once again look into the notebook of memory.

This topic is going to be about truth. Why do people ask for the truth about something but they really don't want the answer. People want to hear the idea that they already have in their heads. This way they believe they have support in their idea of any given topic. And if the people tell you to be completely honest, they want you to sugarcoat what they say.

Quick example. This was awhile ago. I was working in the old target store, which is now gone, and I was pissed off for some reason. I was walking by the swim suits where two girls were looking at some. One girl stopped and asked me if the swim suit would look good on her. I said I didn't want to get into the middle of things. She said that she said that she wouldn't be hurt. She told me to be brutally honest with her. I said that the swim suit would not look good on her because she didn't have the body type for it.

I tried to say it as nice as I could right then. She looked as if i just slapped her. Then she went off on me telling me that I was an insensative jerk and a creep. I apologized to her and her friend as they were leaving the store.

I feel bad about it now but it dawned on me that people do not want the truth unless it is the truth they want to hear.

Honesty. Do you really want to use it all the time? Such as in the case when someone shows you a picture of a really ugly baby. What do you say then?

Straight honesty is too strong for some people.

The Dam Darium

2004-09-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

I've decided that my life is like the song Dam Darium.

"I'm need love in every way, and I feel it everyday,
but I have to many tears, to fall in love again.
Now I am walking around, on this side of the town,
I just can't hide away.
How can I look in your eyes, when I feel I could die,
I have to run away."

The song goes on but this is all I feel like typing. If you want a copy of the song let me know and I'll send it to you.

Its kind of odd. But this song is actually a DDR techno love song. The most popular one at that.

The beat of the music is like my life. It is upbeat and happy sounding when just glanced at but is really much more troubled and sad when you stare deeper.

When I am faced with love I seem to shy away from it and run away. Amazing how similar songs can be to a persons life when heard by the right person at the right time.

The song is saying that people need love. But they have had their hearts broken so many times that they would rather run away than try to love again.

Oh well if you hear the song let me know what you think about it. Bye for now.

Emancipation

2004-09-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

I was having a really good day today. My mom isn't here. I had an easy work shift, no school. And my pay check was over $200.

But could this day stay going good?!? NO

My dad comes by my work and asks me something so strange.

First a little back ground info. My dad and mom have been divorced for 14 years. They HATE each other. My dad isn't the most reliable or responsible person. I am kinda ashamed of him becuase he has potential but doesn't care about reaching it. My dad is behind on his child support and may be getting a job in Iraq.

He wants me to emancipate myself from my mom and stepdad. He wants me to do this because if he is tired of paying my mom child support. And if he makes more money she will get more. He wants to give me the money and not give anything to her. He says that if I do that the chiildsupport will stop and he will just pay for my college completely. He says that he will even help me find a place to live and pay for it.

My dad says that working over there will give him a huge cash boost, which it will. But I don't really want to have to rely on him for paying my bills on time.

Pluses of Emancipation:
1. My dad will be paying for my college and I won't have to.
2. My mom can't control me anymore.
3. More independence and freedom.

Minuses of Emancipation.
1. None of my stuff.
2. No car, or house (atleast for awhile)
3. I have to rely on a irresponsible man.
4. My mom would go into seizures from the shock of me telling her.

My dad is looking only at the positive. What if something goes wrong, like he can't stay over there. What if my dad can't keep his job there and I am emancipated from my mom with no money, no education, and no place to live. Then I am royally screwed.

I don't think it's fair that my dad ask this of me. This is totally the choose one parent over the other kind of altimatum. What the FUCK am I suposed to do?!?!?!?!?
Oh well. I hope things work out.

P.S. I also relized signing my name at the end was kind of stupid so im going to stop doing that.

Moving on

2004-09-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

I decided that I needed to move on. Past my crush. I need to get out of the past. Because the past just brings regret.

I think I'm doing the right thing. I really don't understand why I have adored her for so long. It was just that I felt a spark, it may sound stupid but if you think about it love is stupid. Love makes you do the most irrational things. And you know what. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The one thing I'd like to know is why was I so in love with her.

I don't know what to do. But I think if I keep living in the past I won't be able to move forward.

If you have any thoughts let me know.

Phydeaux

Another Night Another Dream But Always You

2004-09-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

I heard the song "Another Night" by Real McCoy.

Another Night, Another Dream, But Always You,
It's Like A Vision Of Love That Seems To Be True,

I think it is a great song. It tells about a woman who is in love with a guy, but the guy doesn't feel it back. Or atleast thats what she thinks. Even though the woman dreams about this guy everynight. They are lovers in this dream.

She feels joy and pain by this because in the dream she is so happy but when she wakes up she is sad by the harsh reality.

Being in love with someone who is in love with someone else hurts. Oh well.

Atleast we are together in my dreams.

Phydeaux

P.S. It is no one at Marian

Logical Love

2004-09-02T18:57:00.000-07:00

I think I found my love problem. I believe I'm too logical to just let my heart be in control. I have never been good at expressing emotions. I was never really surrounded by them. I was the kid who just sat back and watched.

My life was being an objective observer and the shoulder to cry on. People confided in me. I guess thats what you become when you are the lone kid of the group.

People just really don't understand me. I like being the wall flower at dances. Just soaking in the atmosphere. Feeling the vibe that runs through the floor.

Whenever there is a girl I find attractive or something, I always say to myself. Be careful its not lust. Then I get to the friend stage with the girl and it never developes more than that.

Not that its a bad thing. Having lots of friends is nice.

Anyway. Mabey girls and guys are just on the wrong frequencies. The ones that get through are just a mistake that turns out pretty good.

Oh well signing off again. I should be able to post soon. Bye.

Phydeaux

A Good Day

2004-09-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Something happened to me today that hasn't happened in awhile. I had a good day. Throughout the entire day only two bad things happened. One my face was still completely broken out from my senior picture shoot on Monday. And two I forgot my book to study for a literature test.

My face was broke out because when I went to get my senior pics taken. The photographer insisted on putting makeup on my face. That night it started itching but no redness. The next night was horrible. It looked like I had been splashed with red paint in the face. My face was covered in this horrible rash. My face felt like it was a couple sizes too small and felt like leather.

Other than that the day was pretty good.
Good things that happened:
1. Very little homework.
2. My math test for me was pushed til Tuesday.
3. I did well on my only quiz today.
4. I got to help some friends.
5. I got to get online.

I don't know if this is a joke of the gods or am I finally out of their evil radar. Anyway. Bye

Phydeaux